@lovemydogduck

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

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@Douchekevin

Girlfriend told me she wants me to pull her hair , but apparently not while she’s driving. Girls are weird.

@DarthPutinKGB

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

@bylinetd

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

@jctwritesstuff

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

@tastefactory

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

@GrantTanaka

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

@AdderallMomma

I’ll huff
I’ll puff
and I’ll smoke all of your stuff.

-Big Broke Wolf

@NicestHippo

The inventor of the toilet must’ve had a rough time at his presentation. “Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea”

@MomOnFire

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”