Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
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*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
❤️🦆
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die