Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
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[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I say: “No, sorry. I’m not on Facebook at all.”
They hear: “I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship.”
My Favorite Chops:
‘I’ve been a very bad girl,’ she said, biting her lip. ‘I need to be punished.’
‘Very well,’ he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie