@Merman_Melville

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

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@iAmDelFreaky

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

@iinkedZombie

It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.

@Reverend_Scott

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

@hotdogsladies

I say: “No, sorry. I’m not on Facebook at all.”

They hear: “I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship.”

@50NerdsofGrey

‘I’ve been a very bad girl,’ she said, biting her lip. ‘I need to be punished.’
‘Very well,’ he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.

@noog

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

@fluffysuse

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie