Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
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girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.