My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
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Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.