WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
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Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*