You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
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Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath