@theyearofelan

Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?

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@sixthformpoet

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

@LoveNLunchmeat

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

@freypalm

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

@MavenofHonor

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

@Marlebean

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

@duplicitron

Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.

@Ivsy01

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

@CantWaitToNap

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

@nateandmufasa

[on an airplane]

passenger: hm, i can’t think of a witty caption for this photo

attendant: IS THERE A COPYWRITER ON BOARD?

my dad: that should have been you

me, a doctor: not now dad

my dad: go see if an appendectomy will help

@highxpectation2

No one realizes when someone says, “The last thing I wanna do is hurt you,” that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.