wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
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when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
time machine? you mean a clock?
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully