Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
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an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*