Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
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Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Good morning.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?