@AmericanGent69: Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest Sir, you’re going to have to leave. Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

@HavocMantis: Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

@DaddyJew: Doctor: how sick are you? Me: idk spit a beat

@hell_homer: This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]

@Bob_Heller: You might want to read all of my tweets... so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.