@Gupton68

Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

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@Terfleaza

Told a priest, “Bless you” after he sneezed and he said, “Stay in your lane.”

@bridger_w

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

@bighandsmassuer

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

@iwearaonesie

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

@kelseydarragh

brain: go to gym
body: please, go to gym
spirit: GYM!!!!!!!!!!

me: I’m gunna go get pasta

@ObscureGent

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

@jdforshort

There are some problems in life that can be solved with chocolate….others require a full clip and a shovel.

@wickedimproper

Interview:

“Can you hold scissors?”

“yes”

“Welcome to SuperCuts”

@Tommytoughstuff

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”