Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

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Me: maybe I should turn on the news

[17 seconds later]

Me: yeah, this grout in the bathroom really needs to be cleaned


My son wants to change his given Indian name, so I told Broken Condom he could change it if he really wants to. Kid’s these days…


Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms


Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.


The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.


When one squirrel says “I like to eat nuts”, there is probably always another squirrel who says “that’s what she said.”


I don’t want to sound insensitive but I used to dream of the day I would only have to leave groceries outside my mothers door!!


Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?