Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

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Told a priest, “Bless you” after he sneezed and he said, “Stay in your lane.”


No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator


People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am


*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”


brain: go to gym
body: please, go to gym
spirit: GYM!!!!!!!!!!

me: I’m gunna go get pasta


I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers


There are some problems in life that can be solved with chocolate….others require a full clip and a shovel.



“Can you hold scissors?”


“Welcome to SuperCuts”


Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”