Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
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Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Fight
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.