Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
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Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good