Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
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Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
philosophical skeletons be like
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.