Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
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“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?