Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
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Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.