@kelly__le

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

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@Jdxthompson

When I say “the other day” it can be anytime between yesterday and my birth

@JimmerThatisAll

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

@MomOnFire

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

@Try2StopME

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

@ericsshadow

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

@ItsJusKimberly

[doorbell]

4: *opens door

Hi, is your mom home?

4: she’s in the tower

mom: whispers from behind door “no no no it’s SHOWER not tower!”

@mydmac

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share