@kelly__le

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

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@TheSofiya

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

@markydoodoo

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

@Jake_Vig

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

@InternetHippo

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

@someonelikesmeg

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

@joejwest

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

@HousewifeOfHell

Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.

@GawdOffalTweets

just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend