Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
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The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I know
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.