Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

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It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.


“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.


I hate running into people I know at the Supermarket.

I’m looking for food, not a reunion.



DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know


[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later


Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.


Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right


Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you