Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
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I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?