@Darlainky
@Darlainky
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
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@Darlainky
@Cheeseboy22
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
@prufrockluvsong
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
@drayzze
I hate running into people I know at the Supermarket.
I’m looking for food, not a reunion.
@panmidwest
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
@UncleDuke1969
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
@flashember
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
@daveexplosm
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
@psybermonkey
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
@pleatedjeans
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you