Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
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ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.