Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

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[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store



Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!


If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person


Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.


Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children


Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy


Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.