Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
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the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Sticker placement is key.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing