[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
You Might Also Like
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I suddenly realized that I’ve never had an epiphany.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I did so much yard work today, I might get deported.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.