Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
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[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart