@theroyaltramp

Why don’t I have Snapchat? Because I don’t want to talk to anyone let alone have to look good while doing it.

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@PaperWash

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

@TheTweetOfGod

Media, stop using the phrase ‘breaking news’. It’s been broken for some time now.

@Dawn_M_

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

@2tickytacky

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

@ehchino

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

@CandyEmpires

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

@xysist

[ Spelling bee ]

Your word is Harry Potter

Voldermort: Avada Kedavra!

@robfromonline

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho