@theroyaltramp

Why don’t I have Snapchat? Because I don’t want to talk to anyone let alone have to look good while doing it.

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@AbrasiveGhost

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

@ObscureGent

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

@SnarkyMommy78

4: can I have two little muffins?

Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one

4: no I want two NOWWWW

Me: let’s start with one

4: NOOOO TWOOOO

Me: just one

4: TWOOOO

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: FINE *gives her two*

4: *eats only one*

@MrsCupcake79

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

@DaddyJew

I put the D in donut. And I do it quickly before any of my coworkers return to the break room

*giggles*

@Nofstnme

Unfortunately….. Nobody wants to have sex with your inner beauty.

@panmidwest

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

@Vice_Queen

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

@yoyoha

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!