I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
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Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.