ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Why don’t I have Snapchat? Because I don’t want to talk to anyone let alone have to look good while doing it.
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Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I put the D in donut. And I do it quickly before any of my coworkers return to the break room
Unfortunately….. Nobody wants to have sex with your inner beauty.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!