A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
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From Facebook just now…
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
This could be us… but you playing
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half