Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
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i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Finally, an explanation.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face