I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
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even bears disappoint their mothers
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.