why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
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HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Why are bridges so flammable.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.