GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
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Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: I’m just gonna nap for an hour then
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.