Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
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“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
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*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
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[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.