Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
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Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter