There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
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It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are