Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
You Might Also Like
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
#growingpains
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!