@SuperRandomish

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

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@daemonic3

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?

@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

@Carbosly

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

@AmishPornStar1

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

@Kauaibride

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

@boring_as_heck

Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I’d like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad.

@XplodingUnicorn

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

@FlyJ_

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

@TheMichaelRock

How are expecting to cure cancer when we as a society can’t figure out how to merge into traffic correctly?

@fattydaddy02

“Farm to fork”, but it’s just me taking you to a corn maze to bang.