@SuperRandomish
@daemonic3
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
You Might Also Like
@daemonic3
@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
@Carbosly
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
@AmishPornStar1
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
@Kauaibride
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
@boring_as_heck
Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I’d like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad.
@XplodingUnicorn
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
@FlyJ_
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
@TheMichaelRock
How are expecting to cure cancer when we as a society can’t figure out how to merge into traffic correctly?
@fattydaddy02
“Farm to fork”, but it’s just me taking you to a corn maze to bang.