@SuperRandomish

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

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@internetluke

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

@FredTaming

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

@iwearaonesie

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

@PS_IRuddYou

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

@mxmclain

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

@deadstick_ron

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

@guiltymamma

If the husband is being a jerk I sync my phone to his headphones and play Baby Shark

@WheelTod

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

@sushimonsterc

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.