Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

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“Damn girl, you look hot”


“Like a sexy little italian car”



Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.


Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.


The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.


so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.


Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I’d like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad.


My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.


[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.


How are expecting to cure cancer when we as a society can’t figure out how to merge into traffic correctly?


“Farm to fork”, but it’s just me taking you to a corn maze to bang.