Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:

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Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo


Me – Doctor, I have depression.

Doctor – Are you on anything for it?

Me – Twitter.


In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.


[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?


Tried to spoon my wife & she throat punched me
She said “Sorry I was dreaming of my judo class”
But she doesn’t take judo
Plus she was awake


They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops


A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit


[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son