Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
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Me – Doctor, I have depression.
Doctor – Are you on anything for it?
Me – Twitter.
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Tried to spoon my wife & she throat punched me
She said “Sorry I was dreaming of my judo class”
But she doesn’t take judo
Plus she was awake
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son