Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
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bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on