‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
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It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Super Hand Dog Face
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
japanese corn
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart