“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
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The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*