“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

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Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.


Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?


ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?


a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!


I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…


she had an itsy bitsy teeny weeny shared belief with mussolini


If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger