“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
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Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Yup.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh