@ceejoyner

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

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@PaperWash

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

@junejuly12

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

@PinkCamoTO

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

@WGladstone

My 6 yr old asked me if “satire” is like a “flat tire.” I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.

@TheTweetOfGod

Inside everybody there’s a still, small voice seeking to guide them on their journey through life. It was put there by the CIA.

@UberFacts

A mentally ill man shot himself in the head as a suicide attempt. The bullet cured his disorder and he became a straight-A college student.

@ieatanddrink

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

@MartaEffing

I’m pretty sure the chick at this drive thru had me repeat, ‘I’ll take a number two’, multiple times so she could laugh at me.