Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
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Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
i spent way too long on this
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint