@ceejoyner

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

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@AllieGoertz

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

@juliasegal

Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.

@MelvinofYork

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

@FredTaming

me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that

@FU_TangClan

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

@TheDairylandDon

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

@Pfagell

5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”

Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”

5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”

@3sunzzz

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

@KeetPotato

me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”

@om_eye_goodness

Whenever I can’t sleep, I always end up eating like 37 snacks in bed.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nia.