“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
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Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin