6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
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Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.