Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
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“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags