@Donna_McCoy

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

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@scottthetwat

I received 10 pounds of pot in the mail by mistake. So I did the right thing and called the police to come pick up all 4 pounds.

@Its_Miss_Riss

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

@GingerHotDish

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

@22_Minutes

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

@Squizbot

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

@Nahdude83

“Sir, how may I help you?”

*swivels around in chair*
— A coffee please!

“Did you bring that chair in here?”

*reclines back*
— Maybe?

@Lisa_Laughs_

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

@obijawn

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

@dirtygreaf

friend: wyd?

me: working

friend: and wyd after?

me: sleeping for work tomorrow

@MarfSalvador

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG