Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
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If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms