Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
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It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.