@sixfootcandy

Why font matters.

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@lovejulieacafe

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

@GrantTanaka

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

@Awk0Tacoo

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

@girlnarly

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

@Jarhead44

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

@brittwastaken

There’s only two ways to do things: the easy way or the way I’m actually going to end up doing it.

@andyerikson

Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who’s giving them medical attention?

@One2thTEXAN

When I see couples madly in love, I just assume they met yesterday.

@causticbob

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

@callmeEvian

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.