I have 2 words for you:
Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
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a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
There’s only two ways to do things: the easy way or the way I’m actually going to end up doing it.
Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who’s giving them medical attention?
When I see couples madly in love, I just assume they met yesterday.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.