@OINKimmaPIG

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

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@be_yourownhero

10:00 am: sitting alone at work
10:05 am: my pudding cup is my new best friend
10:06 am: ate my best friend
10:07 am: sitting at work alone

@chuuew

Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security

@decentbirthday

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

@UncleDuke1969

Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.

@bjaynash

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

@mrjohndarby

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

@theshamingofjay

Me: ugh I have to wear a tie today, adulting sucks.
Grandpa: I had to fight in World War II when I was 19.
Me: I guess you kind of get it.

@electrolemon

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used