Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
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ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.