Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
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Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert