Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
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One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.