Who comes up with this kinda stuff
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“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other