Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
You Might Also Like
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.