Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

You Might Also Like


[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo


Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer


Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.


Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%


cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it


“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]



Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.


A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.


If Mary gave birth to Jesus & Jesus is the lamb of God, then did Mary have a little lamb?