Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

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Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.


I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.


The amount of tinder matches I’ve gotten has skyrocketed since I changed my interests from “Murdering” to “Not Murdering”


[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way


I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!


me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though

food blogger:


Dad: Let’s talk, we never talk.
Me: Okay. I kinda wanna tell you something…
Dad: You can tell me anything.
Me: I’m Batman.
Dad: Get out.


Gf: on a scale from 1-10, how annoyed are you with me right now?

Me: 8

Gf: I can do better than that


Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.