still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
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mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Sunday
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Why font matters.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.