Where do they bury the bodies of the families that lose at Family Feud
Why hello, dear!
“trent, did you bring cue cards to read off of during our date?”
“and did you only bring two?”
Why hello, d
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Companies want “rockstar” employees, as rockstars are known for punctuality, even-tempers, and a desire to work in a corporate environment.
hello 911, yeah me again. so listen 29 of my recent tweets have been stolen and.. hello? hello?
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
God: They will have a powerful immune system
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Fact: for every polite Canadian human there is an equally rude goose
ME: I had salmon for lunch.
WIFE: the L is silent.
ME: Ha, I knew that. I meant unch.
The second I sense someone about to ask for a bite of what I’m eating, I immediately shove the whole damn thing in my mouth & look baffled.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.