I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
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[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it