@trentistweeting

Why hello, dear!
“trent, did you bring cue cards to read off of during our date?”
Lovely weather!
“and did you only bring two?”
Why hello, d

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@Home_Halfway

Where do they bury the bodies of the families that lose at Family Feud

@markleggett

Companies want “rockstar” employees, as rockstars are known for punctuality, even-tempers, and a desire to work in a corporate environment.

@TheTennisPhenom

hello 911, yeah me again. so listen 29 of my recent tweets have been stolen and.. hello? hello?

@ErinChack

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

@awkwardphilippe

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

@Mom_Overboard

Fact: for every polite Canadian human there is an equally rude goose

@ericsshadow

ME: I had salmon for lunch.
WIFE: the L is silent.
ME: Ha, I knew that. I meant unch.

@VodkaDietSoda

The second I sense someone about to ask for a bite of what I’m eating, I immediately shove the whole damn thing in my mouth & look baffled.

@angibangie

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

@ohpegah

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.