@TheDairylandDon

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

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@iamspacegirl

the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters

@neonwario

WWII was just all the people w/ time machines who went back in time to kill hitler fighting the time travelers who wanted to protect hitler

@zebrasyndicate

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

@actioncookbook

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

@chimneyspotter

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

@juliussharpe

Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.

@DaddyJew

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still says “righty tighty lefty loosy” before turning anything

@ThisOneSayz

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

@mattZillaaaa

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones