Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

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[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme


They always say to follow your gut, that’s why this is my 11th trip to the fridge for another beer.


I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.


Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”


Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!


[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time


According to my neighbor’s journal, I have “boundary isues.”


My wife complains that my socks are too big for her but she doesn’t care that her bra pinches my back.


Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward