the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
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Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
WWII was just all the people w/ time machines who went back in time to kill hitler fighting the time travelers who wanted to protect hitler
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still says “righty tighty lefty loosy” before turning anything
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones